Monday, March 2, 2009

Scared to Death!

Ever since we were not selected during the committee for a child in Korea I have been really down. We started thinking that maybe this was a sign from God that we should go for a girl. I keep looking at the photolisting. Every day I check them to see what children are waiting in Korea. Some children have severe special needs and while my heart breaks for them I don't think it would be fair to Cameron to bring a child into our home where we would spend a majority of our time in the hospital if we can help it. The way it works is they are given a batch of referrals just like any other country. They go through & send referrals to families who are a matched based on the form you filled out on what special needs you would prefer. If some children are not matched they go on the photolisting. You can then inquire & request additional medical information for your pediatrician to look over. Sometimes there are a few families that request information. After so many they won't send out anymore information. Then they wait for those families to decide if they wish to proceed with the adoption. The committee made up of 5 social workers looks over every families information & decides who is the best match for the child. Even though we know we are not bad parents in any way it is very hard to hear you are not selected. I hurried and started getting all our paperwork ready for our homestudy to have everything done & turned in before our committee meeting. I only had a few documents to collect. Then we were not selected and I put the binder away for a few weeks. Our homestudy agency is waiting on me to complete the paperwork before doing our first visit. I just can't seem to get it together. The fear is coming over me more than I anticipated. Am I ready? Yes. Am I somewhat prepared for two children? Yes. Am I okay with not having that little girl for this adoption? Yes. The ups and downs of Cameron's adoption are just coming back after our one year anniversary. He was so worth every mountain we had to climb and compared to some families they weren't that bad but when we signed up for Guatemala it was 6-8 months at the most. It then turned into one year for us. Children in Korea are not available for international adoption until they are 5 months old. The wait is usually 3-5 months at the most but again you never know. And yes we found another little guy we are interested in and are still waiting on our pediatrician to go over everything. She adopted two girls from China so she understands so much and is really helping us by looking at this child's information. We inquired on Thursday and by Friday they marked his picture as no longer accepting applications. Yes this means that there are other families looking at his information right now. If we do decide to proceed with adopting him there is a potential for us to have to go to committee again if other families would like to as well. I think this is scaring me for than anything. Can I handle another let down right now? What if we aren't selected and it puts me to where I just don't want to do another adoption right now? I know this is part of life and you have to take risks to go after that ultimate dream but I can't but be scared. I am human! But that the same time I can't help but think of the other families. I have to let go and God will help me through it no matter what the outcome.