I am going to be brutally honest...

about myself. I am a total control freak in every sense of the word. Everything has a place and needs to be in the place. I wear the pants in this house most of the time. Well, I like to think so. Sorry honey! We tend to butt heads sometimes b/c we are both this way. I daydream all the time about things and events and how they will turn out. When they don't then I over analyze about what I did wrong that they didn't go my way. I know 95% of us in the adoption world pictured that day when your child will forever be in your arms. It will be glorious and happy. God will open the sky just for you and you will see this big beautiful ray of light. And like me it didn't quite turn out how you expected. But you lived through it and finally realized after days of over analyzing that it turned out how God knew it would. You actually have no control over the big things like that.

I finally realized I have become that person. That one who lets someone else take over the wheel and I just live my life. We went to an seminar last week and met another family who adopted internationally. We both spoke of our experiences, me actually exposing myself when asked what was your experience like. Well, lets see I knew Cameron would have an adjustment but I never thought about my adjustment. The fact that even though I hadn't given birth but my mommy hormones kicked in anyway. And boy did they kick in.

One woman asked the other adoptive family when and how God spoke to them about pursuing international adoption. First of all I found it I little wrong to ask this. I think it is a personal thing and if someone wants to let you know then they should on their terms. I also realized that God usually doesn't put a sign and say here this is your next step in life. And he certainly doesn't show you once since it takes most of us a few times before we "get" it. If he did everyone would have the perfect life and how boring would that be. She then proceeded to ask me did you ever worry about him being taken away. I answered right away "No." I worried more about him being safe but I knew that this was my path and God was in control. After thinking about it later that night I realized that the #1 thing I learned from international adoption (besides how much I can love one person) is to finally let go and let someone else take the wheel.

I have slowly been letting that happen and I truly feel better about life. My life. It still comes out at times especially when it comes to my home but there is a reason and a really long story for another time. Today I finally decided to let God take the wheel. Something very big & personal is going on in my life and I will fill you in at a later date (Jessica) but until then know that I have thought long & hard the last few months but once again it isn't turning out how I dreamed it would but it will turn out how it is meant to be!